I pushed the kitchen table over to the glass wall so I could soak in the view of the mountains in the distance as I work on figuring my life out. I was feeling a bit down but I had to take a moment to remind myself of how lucky I am to even be here enjoying this view from the 36th floor. I have the freedom to fly to Vegas on a Monday without asking anyone’s permission. That within itself is a blessing. I couldn’t help but think how none of this would be possible without my mother. I thought about how much I appreciate her and it brought me to tears. I thought “I can’t believe somebody loves me that much.”
A lot of people think they have the best mother ever, but we know there are some terrible mothers out there. Mine, however, is not just a great mother in general, but she is exactly the mother that I needed. She has always been supportive in whatever I wanted to do, as long as I had a plan. And she believes in me so much that it makes me think I might be even better than I thought I was. I’m too sensitive to have one of those mothers who is constantly ridiculing and sharing her negative critiques. She is exactly what I need.
I am certain that when God had me in mind…and ordered the steps for my life, he intentionally chose this woman to mother me. He chose someone who would let me be smart. Let me ask questions. Allow me to change my mind. Comfort me when I fail. And deliver hard truths when I need them. Not to mention, she says I can live with her as long as I want until I get married (LOL). While that is definitely NOT my plan, knowing that I have that safety net makes me brave. It makes me feel like I can take chances. I am not a naturally brave person. I don’t like risks. I have to talk myself into taking calculated risks that present themselves as opportunities by having a plan in place in case of failure. Whether I have a plan B, C, or D, I know that if it all falls apart, I will have a place to live and food to eat while I piece my life back together. Most importantly, I will have the moral support of someone who truly believes I will do amazing things with my life. As I work through this phase of redirecting my life and career, I can see how things that didn’t work out in the past had to fail in order for me to get to this point. I don’t feel “successful” yet, but I will be and I can already tell you it’s a bumpy, curvy road. The path that God designated for me would not have been possible without my mama. I tell her all the time, I need her more now at 30 than I needed her at 3.
As a routine part of my daily prayers, I thank God for my life. I don’t mean a beating heart and air in my lungs- I mean for my metaphorical heart, my mind, the experiences, my creativity, and my passion to help people. Also for my ability to learn and grow, because without that, wouldn’t all of the tools He provided for me be pointless? I am introverted and not particularly sociable, but God (because He has jokes) has made it clear that he is using me to touch other people’s lives. I get a feeling in my chest when I talk about it that I can’t describe. It’s a heaviness that makes me happy but also cry. I mentioned that to say that I realize that the things that God put in me had to be nurtured and developed. My mama has a “green thumb”. She can grow anything and bring nearly-dead plants back to life. God planted the seeds of who he wanted me to be, then handed me over to my mama for me to grow. Now, it’s on me to blossom.
I have this habit of easily feeling unwanted or neglected (I recently learned that this is a Taurus trait). For me to be a mentally healthy person, I needed a mother like her (and a family like mine) to make me believe in unconditional love. My heart breaks for people who feel like no one on this earth loves them. I could never feel that way. Pardon the grammar, but if don’t nobody else love me, I know my mama loves me. God’s love is something that can feel abstract at times. I believe in it, but I have to admit that it’s partially because I was taught to believe it. What makes sense to me is this: If God is love…and God is in all of us…then perhaps my mama and family is the way that God chose to express his love to me. If that’s the case, that’s a greater love than I can comprehend. Good looking out, God.